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amanda

Current Mood:

depressed

Other than that, I've been keeping pretty busy, lots of OT at work, and just trying to keep myself occupied.  Hoping to have a break soon.  I'm going nuts with everything crashing in on me at once, but hopefully, life will start getting back to normal at some point.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. 

Lots of luv!

Current Location:	bedroom
Current Mood:	tired
Current Music:	The "ding" of Myspace IMs lol

One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter?
I can't tell if I should go or stay
Same old pictures feels so hollow
How can anybody no what's best for me?
Another page I turn in shame
My decisions brought me to my knees
I needed someone to blame

Chorus:

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me 
I believe I can change

Once upon a time in broken dreams
Reflections that I can't face
So hold your breath and make a wish for me
Take me to a better place
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it one more time
I wouldn't change a thing

Chorus:

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me 
I believe I can change

 - "Hollow" by Godsmack

Current Location:	my room
Current Mood:	sad

Love to all

Current Mood:

sad

Well, I promise that this short entry won't be the last for another 5 weeks - have net access in my room again, so things will be much easier again. 

Love and happiness to all!!

Amanda

Current Location:	My bedroom
Current Mood:	drained

Long story short, I'm still kinda pissed off at him, I'm very confused and I just don't know what to do!!!!  Any suggestions?

Long story short, I don't know what do do

Current Location:	bedroom
Current Mood:	contemplative

Well, I must say that this weekend started out pretty well...got to hang out with the guys on Friday night  - we went to Patrick's and watched the drag show and the costume contest , so that was nice...Saturday, I slept a good bit of the day, and just layed around the house being lazy for a while.  Around 9 or so, James and I went to pick up Jacob so that we could all go to Patrick's and hang out.  Jacob entered into the costume contest as a sex slave, but didn't win :(  Kiki showed up (with Dan and Jason - a little late, but its all good - at least they came ), it was nice to see her again - it had been a while.  After the bar, Jacob and I made out a little in the back seat on the way home - that was really nice - we'd been teasing each other all night -so I was all for a good make out session!  Then, after we got home - the guys disappeared for a little while, giving Jacob and I a chance at a nice quickie in the living room that ended just in time, apparently, because shortly after we'd both gotten decent again, here comes James - and then Chris - apparently, they couldn't sleep.  So, the four of us watched tv for a while, then they went to bed again and Jacob and I watched tv til about 6 ish, he had fallen asleep at some point, and he looked so comfortable that I didn't want to disturb him, so I let him sleep on the couch and I went to my room and crashed.  Most of Sunday was spent watching tv and getting ready for the party  - we all had a good time getting dressed up and decorating and all of that - (pix on myspace  - Chloe's profile - email me for the link)  it was really a blast.  Around 8ish ( I think - was a little buzzed by then), Susan and Patrick showed up - and so the party began.  Slowly people trickeled in and things were pretty good.  There was an early incident with Pizza Hut - they claimed that they had no one who could deliver our pizzas (even though the damn place is only like 2 blocks from here - and drama ensued, but was not with anyone within the group.  Anyway, things seemed to be going relatively well - people were getting a little drunk - but that was expected....a couple things got out of hand a couple times, but, that was also to be expected.  What wasn't expected was when James pulled me iinto the kitchen to "talk to me".  It turns out that Jacob had started to hit on pretty much everyone at the party, making a few people really uncomfortable and pissing off a lot more people since they know what is/was/maybe going on with Jacob and I.  I was so hurt and embarrassed and pissed off (though I'm glad someone told me) that I disappeared from the party to go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes.  I can't believe he did that.  He's such a nice and considerate person when he isn't drinking.  I hope that he will explain himself to me and apologize to me and my friends when I talk to him about it.  I really don't want him to be that person.  I want him to be a good person at heart - I just hope I'm not being gullable.  I'm just glad I have friends that care enough about me to fill me in on what's goiong on when I'm blind to the obvious.  I love you guys!!!!  Well, that's enough for now - possibly more later - I'm tired! 

Current Location:	bed
Current Mood:	confused
Current Music:	none

Now, for the best part of the weekend!  OMG - Sunday was in-fucking-credible!  I slept until about 3:30 or so, which was nice in and of itself.  Then, I watched the New England - Dallas game (which, by the way, was KICK ASS)  and then the rest of the afternoon/early evening was pretty un-eventful - just kinda lounged around being lazy and hanging out.  (Fast forwarding a little bit)  Ferret and Jacob show up @ Dan's to follow us to Clayton & Alyeesha's apartment for the party.  From the moment that he walked in the door, I couldn't keep my eyes off Jacob (of course, that is the case anytime I see him).  This was the 2nd or 3rd time that I had seen him this weekend and damn he was looking GOOD.  I had completely forgotten that Ferret said that he was going to be bringing Jacob with him, so, that was a great surprise!  I did my best not to stare too obviously, at least not while we were in such close proximity..

(Fast forward a little more) Once we all got to Alyeesha and Clayton's, I was sitting on one side of the room pretending to watch whatever movie that Clayton had running in the background while I was actually watching Jacob.  He was sitting on the floor by Ferret, and I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't take my eyes off of him.  He wasn't doing anything in particular, he was just sitting there watching TV, but he just struck me as so damn beautiful.  I was mesmerized by him, just watchin him sitting there, playing absent-mindedly with his dog tags; his gorgous eyes occasionally roaming around the room to follow one of the many different conversatons that were going on in the room...His well-tanned body just begging to be held & touched & kissed; I swear, at times, I thought I was really drooling! (lol)  After the movie (Goodfellas, I think) was FINALLY over, we all kinda migrated to the kitchen/dining area to eat cake & grab some drinks & talk, and, of course, the smokers were drifting in and out of the apatment to smoke or whatever, and somewhere in the mix, I kinda worked my way into a conversation that Jacob & Clayton were having about movies.  This (somehow - don't quite remember how) led into the subject of having sex in the bathroom of an airplane (all I remember about this part is that Jacob said something about wanting to try it and I, iin my semi-drunken state, said that it was really fun and he should try it sometime), and that's where it all started.... We started out talking, then there was some flirting going on - subtle at first, but quickly getting bolder - graduating to stolen touches, flirtatous ass smacking (both mine and his) and then finally we went out onto the landing (not the porch - but the area outside the front door) to talk and get a little privacy.  We talked for a few minutes about lots of things - he told me that he has a 2 year old and that he is in the Army - he wanted to know if I was ok with that.  Now, I won't lie, normally the whole kid thing is a deal-breaker for me, but I know a bit about the whole situation and I think I''m ok with it.  Anyway, the next thing I know, he's standing in front of me, kissing me and putting his hand down the front of my pants.  I don't know what it was - the idea that we could be caught at any time or the fact that I had been fantisizing about this moment not only all night but from the very first time I met him  - but by the time his skilled, strong, forceful fingers found my clit, I was already dripping wet!  He stopped kissing me and I felt his other hand moving my shirt out of the way and then his mouth found my very sensitive nipple - - damn he really knows how to use his mouth!!!  I'm so surprised that no one inside heard me moaning and that no one wandered out the door while he was doing that..  There was tons of good timing on our part though, because literally, the second after Jacob took his hand out of my pants, Ferret walked out the door to smoke.  Luckily, the only thing that Ferret saw was Jacob moviing in for another kiss.  Goddess!  I felt so good at that moment!  He and Ferret started talking and Tabitha and Emily came outside, so I snuck in for a minute to glow and get myself another drink.  I could not stop smiling!!  Everyone was looking at me funny, because at that point, no one had figured out what was going on, but I did not care.  I hadn't felt that good in a really long time!

When he came back inside, things weren't quite so suble anymore.  Everytime he passed me, he'd touch my face or grab my hand or kiss me on the lips or the cheek, and anytime that we were near each other, we were touching in some fashion.  I'd have my hand in his back pocket or a couple of fingers hooked into his pants or he'd have his arm around me or was touching some part of my body; or he was leaning on me or visa versa.  I can't describe how good that made me feel - I was (and still am) absolutely beaming.  I really like feeling wanted like that.  It made me feel so good!  Then, we started talking about him coming home with me - which I was all for.  I wanted him so badly by that point that it hurt.  So, I talked to James and Chris to see if they would mind crashing at Dan's so that Jacob and I would have some privacy.  They were really good about it (even though, as I found out later, they came home around like 4:30 and probably heard all kinds of things they didn't want to hear), and James even let me use his car to get the two of us to the apartment. Jacob couldn't even wait the 10 minutes to get to the apartment, the miinute James and Chris were out of sight, he was un-doing my pants and fingering me and sucking on my nipple (sorry James - I promise we didn't get any sex juices on/in your car).  I swear that I almost ran off the road a few times - he had me squirming all over the place!  I came like 4 times before we even made it to the apartment!!  Then, the second we got inside, he had us both naked (at least from the waist down and me bent over the couch riding me nice and hard - I came 3 more times before he finally came and we stumbled to the bedroom.  We laid down together, cuddling and talking before we went at it again, this time, while he was still gentle to a point, he fucked me fast and hard until we both came and almost passed the hell out from pure exhaustion.  We cuddled up together and slept for a ittle bit before I woke him up with a hand job which led to 2 more intense love-making sessions - not fucking - LOVE MAKING.  OMG!!  It was amazing!  We did this a couple more times during the night - sleep, make love, sleep, repeat - before we finally wore ourselves out for the night.  He woke me up this morning with a kiss and some incredible morning sex;  it was a great way to start the morning!!  

This morning was spent watching a little TV before I brought him home and then just me glowing and smiling the rest of the day.  This was the best weekend in a long tiime!!!!

Current Location:	bedroom
Current Mood:	cheerful